Wood Rocket

If you’re the type of Archer fan who watches the beloved FX animated series and often wonders what those zany spies would look like if they were human, then you might want to read on. However, if you’re the type of Archer fan who watches the series and wonders what those spies would look like if they were human, all played by females and completely naked, then you should definitely read on. That’s because the fine folks from Wood Rocket are back with another one of their porn parodies that isn’t necessarily a parody.

Call me picky, but when I think of a parody, I think of something that mocks the original source material and presents it in a comedic light. This is actually just a series of photos, so I’d say it’s more of a tribute. Either way – Archer porn is something that finally exists.

It’s time to drop your pants and whip out your Kenny Loggins, because you’re about to enter the danger zone! WoodRocket.com presents a live-action adult parody of the popular cartoon spy series, Archer, with Archer Goes Sploosh!

From the folks that brought you XXX parodies of SpongeBob SquarePants, Bob’s Burgers, and Game of Thrones, comes a photo collection of sexy women sexily spoofing your favorite espionage experts both in costumes and out. Archer gets the naked treatment, and it is now available for free on WoodRocket.com.

Photographed by Gary Orona (Nicolas Cage Sex Party, Porn Stars in Ugly Christmas Sweaters), Archer Goes Sploosh features models, Kayla-Jane Danger, Vuko, Tabitha Stevens, Kora, and Selina Kyl as parodies of some of your favorite Archer characters like Sterling, Lana, Pam, Cheryl, Malory, Dr. Krieger, Ray, and Cyril.

Below, I’ve included the SFW images of the female models who are bringing our favorite animated characters to life. However, if you go to the Wood Rocket website, which is very NSFW but protected by an age consent page, you can see what they all look like naked. I’m 100 percent positive that you’re all still reading this.

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Wood Rocket

FX

Just as Conway Stern made his almost-triumphant and now completely-handless return to Archer in this season’s second episode, “Three to Tango,” Sterling Archer and the spies formerly working for you know are about to face off with their greatest nemesis of all. This week, the former spy and current cyborg Barry Dylan returns to accomplish what seems to be the only goal in his now partially-robotic life – kill Sterling Archer. But will he ever actually complete his vengeful ambition? Obviously not, because Sterling would be dead and the show would lose a lot of its awesomeness (although if Sterling became a cyborg, he’d be practically immortal and that has legs…).

Instead, we have the supreme pleasure of watching as this already-wonderful feud takes its place among the all-time TV greats – the Ewings and the Barneses, Homer and Ned, Jerry and Newman, Hulk Hogan and the “Macho Man” Randy Savage, Inspector Gadget and Dr. Claw, and so on. Some might even argue that Sterling Archer vs. Barry Dylan is already the greatest television character rivalry of all-time, and it would be incredibly difficult to deny that. However, to those who are still on the fence or need a refresher course on why this rivalry is so heated and dangerous, let’s take a look back at Barry’s history on Archer ahead of this week’s episode, “Edie’s Wedding.”

“Job Offer”

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Sterling: “Jesus, even their cards are nice. Lana, look at this… it’s embossed.”

After Sterling screwed up a mission, Barry arrived on the scene and offered Lana a job at ODIN. Like Sterling, Barry had a bit of a history with Lana, as they have been in a compromising situation or two…

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Barry: “Sorry it took so long, and that I’m… accidentally inside of you.”
Lana: “Not a problem.”

Barry was engaged to be engaged to Framboise, AKA the Pelé of anal, but Sterling slept with her on his first day with ODIN. Add that to Sterling shattering Barry’s femur and shooting him in the arm, and Barry had no problem taking Sterling to Sub-Basement 3 to “put one in his ear.” Of course, Barry’s weakness was Lana, so not only did Sterling escape, but Barry took a lamp to the head in the process.

Score: Sterling 1, Barry 0

“A Going Concern”

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Barry had already revealed that we was a little insane when he began talking to “Other Barry,” and this time he displayed his unnatural love of his trusty Desert Eagle handgun. He also kept up his creepy and dirty quest to have sex with Lana (again) on the false promise that she could have Malory’s job when ODIN purchased the company formerly known as you know, and that led to Sterling ruining the deal and foiling Barry’s plot.

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Barry: “So don’t try to do anything stupid.”
Sterling: “I don’t have to try.”

If Barry has anything going for him, at least he understands that making a mess is how we get ants. And the carpet at Sterling’s headquarters is bad enough as it is.

Score: Sterling 2, Barry 0

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On this week’s very special episode of Archer, entitled “Vision Quest,” everyone’s favorite vulgar and angry team of spies will find itself in its most compromising situation to date. Sterling Archer and his coworkers, now employed by the CIA, won’t be facing off against the douchebag cyborg Barry, nor will they be traveling to the bottom of the sea or a space station to take on an unknown nemesis. Instead, they’ll be stuck in a situation that will force them to do the one thing they probably never wanted to do – work with each other to get out of a tight spot. Specifically, they’ll be stuck in the elevator at their office.

In situations like these, however, new heroes must rise to the occasion and help their friends escape from what will certainly develop into a nasty case of tinnitus if Sterling doesn’t stop firing his gun like an A-hole. One possible hero this week is a new character that we met in this season’s premiere – Milton, the world’s most powerful toaster.

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Let’s take a moment to get to know our new hero, shall we? The first fun fact that you should know about Archer’s adorable toaster is that he was named after this 1970 Kellogg’s Pop-Tarts TV commercial’s talking toaster:

Like most great works of living art, Milton had multiple designs before his creators settled on the version that we’ve come to know as television’s greatest toaster. Among them are these rejected prototypes that failed to produce the proper amount of toast needed to run the world’s most successful spy agency:

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The designers later believed that Milton should be larger and more imposing, striking fear in the hearts of people who don’t necessarily like toast, which led to this design that was ultimately denied:

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Do you know how much toast Milton is capable of producing in one hour? Enough. What can you do with the toast that Milton prepares? Butter it, perhaps adding various flavors of jam or jelly, depending on your wealth status. Does Milton simply produce white toast or is he capable of creating multigrain, wheat and sourdough toasts, among others? That information is classified. Does Milton have a drink preference that is essential for pairing with toast? Yes.

Finally, will Milton be the hero that rises up and saves Sterling, Lana, Pam, Dr. Krieger, Ray, Cyril and Cheryl/Carol from the elevator in tonight’s episode of Archer? You’ll have to watch to find out. Also, bring your own toast.

FX

Through five-and-a-half seasons of FX’s hit animated series Archer, we’ve learned so much about the world’s greatest gentleman superspy and his colleagues. For starters, they almost all love to abuse the ever-loving hell out of any substances, and unless they’re in the most serious of situations, they really f*cking hate each other. That’s just the tip of the iceberg when it comes to the personalities and bad habits of our last line of defense against the world’s worst spies, villains and cyborgs. On tonight’s episode, “Nellis,” we’re reminded of another problem that Sterling Archer constantly faces – he has no luck in traveling.

Sterling and the agents from the organization, formerly known as you know, have used a wide variety of transportation over the years, and in just about every situation, from automobile to space station, they’ve been totally screwed. In “Nellis,” a simple rescue mission gets pretty out of control, but this time, it’s because Sterling has some issues with very basic forms of transportation. He’s not allowed to fly, and he’s not allowed to take the train, and while it’s probably because he’s an uncontrollable lush, it might also have to do with these classic Archer travel mishaps…

“Skorpio” – Season 1, Episode 6

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The Vehicle: A luxury yacht, owned by dangerous arms dealer Spiridon Skorpio.

The Assignment: Kill Skorpio, to which Sterling very wonderfully replied, “What, is diabetes busy?” Unfortunately, the assignment belonged to Lana, who chose to seduce the wealthy-but-disgusting man, and things got out of hand, naturally, when Sterling arrived to “rescue” her.

The Result: A poop-covered threeway with Skorpio and a luxury yacht that was blown to smithereens.

“Skytanic” – Season 1, Episode 7

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The Vehicle: A luxury rigid airship.

The Assignment: Complete with high-end shopping, delicious French cuisine and a casino, the Excelsior was supposed to be the sky’s answer to the Titanic. You know, except for the whole sinking and Rose letting Jack drown part. Sterling and Co. were responsible for ensuring its security, especially from any bombs that would blow it out of the sky.

The Result: While Malory was only using a bomb as an excuse to screw Trudy Beekman out of her luxury flight, there was actually a bomb on board, set by the Excelsior’s captain because, “Who the hell wants a two-day trip to London?” Ultimately, Lana and Cyril saved the rigid airship, but not Wales, from a gruesome explosion.

“Pipeline Fever” – Season 2, Episode 4

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The Vehicle: “An airboat, Lana, just like Burt Reynolds in White Lightning.”

The Assignment: Stop Joshua “Gandalf” Gray’s quest to end the “systematic rape of Mother Nature” by blowing up an oil pipeline in the Louisiana bayou.

The Result: Sterling and Lana stopped Gandalf from blowing up the pipeline by unwittingly stealing his boat, but Sterling was still left stranded in the swamp to face his biggest fears – alligators, crocodiles and brain aneurysms. Lana, on the other hand, left with Joshua for an evening on the town, telling him of her new hair: “If you like the collar, you’re gonna love the cuffs.”

“Jeu Monégasque” – Season 2, Episode 11

The Vehicle: A Formula 1 race car.

The Assignment: To obtain a data disk from Le Chuffre while protecting the $4 million in bearer bonds that was really the money from the 401(k) accounts of Sterling’s co-workers. Sterling gambled the money away, but Benoit (BALLS!) actually stole it and the new assignment became stealing the money back.

The Result: After a high-speed F1 chase that included an attack helicopter and rocket launcher, Sterling used his “situational awareness” to steal the money back from Benoit (BALLS). Unfortunately, Benoit (BALLS) and his stolen F1 race car didn’t make it.

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Aside from one of the most incredible Throwback Thursday photos we’ve ever laid eyes on, this week’s Archer also featured a wonderful tribute to the 1968 Steve McQueen crime thriller Bullitt. In the film, McQueen played a police lieutenant named Frank Bullitt – with that name, a guy has few career choices – tasked with protecting a mob informant who was set to testify against some truly dangerous people. Naturally, nothing went as planned, and Bullitt had only a few days to figure out what the hell went wrong. It’s a really great movie, and you should watch it this weekend.

One of the things that makes Bullitt such a good film is an action-packed car chase through San Francisco, as it featured some bad dudes in a ’68 Dodge Charger R/T being pursued by Bullitt’s ’68 Ford Mustang GT Fastback. In “The Kanes,” when Sterling Archer first looked at Lana’s father’s Dark Highland Green ’68 Mustang in his garage, there was a reason why he meeped like Beaker with ejaculatory joy. It’s the car from Bullitt. As Archer’s production designer and art director Neal Holman explained, there is really no greater car chase scene to work with.

This is the famed mustang from Bullitt. This is Archer’s dream. As giant Steve McQueen fans, we’re right there giggling along with him. Planning car chases for Archer is fun research, watching clip after clip, dissecting what works and what doesn’t. (Some terrible movies have some great car chase work, btw.) Inevitably, you find yourself going back to look at Bullitt. In Bullitt, EVERYTHING works, the iconic jumps, the smoking tires, the screaming hemis, the camera work, the editing, Steve McQueen’s blacker-than-black turtleneck, EVERYTHING WORKS. So why not do that?

Holman added that the goal “was to do an homage, but not a shot-for-shot remake” because those are mostly boring, and it’s way more fun for us as fans to identify the nods to the original. For example, take a look at the cab that brought Lana and Sterling to the Kanes’ home:

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And here’s the cab from Bullitt:

Warner Bros.

The actual movie chase featured the gorgeous muscle cars getting airtime, like in this screen shot (it’s like they’d never heard of HD in ’68):

Warner Bros.

There was no way that Sterling’s pursuit of the “bad guy” would remain grounded.

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Did you notice the little green VW Bug in that scene? It’s hard not to considering it is right there in the image. As Holman pointed out, that Bug, whether by mistake or design, shows up several times during the Bullitt chase scene (it’s first parked on the street, and then both cars fly by it at least twice), so they obviously had to include it in last night’s episode.

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Additionally, Holman said that fact-checkers and “Snooty San Franciscans” need not bother themselves with the accuracy of Sterling’s journey in “The Kanes” because “this chase follows a route that does not make any sense whatsoever.” The same goes for the Bullitt scene, so don’t bother spitting out your freegan meals in disgust. If anything, just try to spot your expensive rentals in the background of a beautiful shot like this:

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Or this:

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And then sit back and watch the inspiration for Archer’s car chase and marvel at a truly legendary piece of car porn…

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For five seasons now, Sterling Archer has been spouting one-liners like there’s no tomorrow. If you wanted to, you could probably spend an entire day just speaking in Archer quotes. Here are ten Archer quotes that prove he has a one-liner for any situation.

When your friends insist on trading diet tips:

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When the conversation turns to space travel:

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When you need to show someone you care:

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When you need an excuse for your poor bartending skills:

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Twitter

With the budget for SPECTRE, the 24th installment of the James Bond franchise, reportedly north of a bajillion dollars, it seems that some of the gentleman spy’s finer things, like a tuxedo, may have been cut. The above image is the first teaser poster for SPECTRE, because you can’t have a regular poster without teasing us a little, and it seems like Daniel Craig is all business and action in regard to the return of the franchise’s oldest enemy. But as great and hunky as he looks… come on.

Maybe it’s just me and my obsession with all things Archer, especially in the middle of this spectacular sixth season, but Craig’s Bond looks exactly like Sterling Archer in that teaser, from the piercing blue eyes to the black tactleneck sweater. Sure, it’s probably a throwback to vintage Bond (since Bond is obviously far older than Archer), but if you put Craig in a white t-shirt, pink shorts, and roller skates, he’d simply be Sterling undercover. Regardless, here’s what Archer looks like in his trademark tactleneck:

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And here’s Craig’s SPECTRE teaser poster again:

Now, here’s what this would look like if it were a teaser poster for a live action Archer movie:

Sony Pictures/FX

In conclusion, let’s go ahead and get rolling on a live action Archer movie, please.

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As head of The International Secret Intelligence Service (if we used the actual acronym, this post would probably be flagged by the government), Malory Archer usually spends her days knocking back cocktails in her office as she sends her son, Sterling, out to risk his life as the world’s worst/greatest secret agent.

But it doesn’t take a spy to realize that these two have a lot of unresolved issues dating back to when Malory abandoned him until he was five and set up a fake funeral for his fake father.

When Sterling and Malory aren’t loathing each other’s existence, they’re loving each other way too much. They know far more about each other’s sex lives than any child and parent should.

I may not have a PhD in family psychology, but there’s a lot to analyze in the complicated mother-son dynamic of Malory and Sterling Archer and the awkward, twisted moments it creates. So how about we give it a shot?
When multitasking goes wrong

Our first sign that there was something wrong with Archer and Malory’s relationship came when we found out why he and Lana broke up in the first place. They say it’s hard for a woman to come between a man and his mother, but that shouldn’t be the case when it comes to their together time in the bedroom.
“The thought of me dead gives you an erection?!” – Malory

I’m not sure if this counts as a fetish or not (if it does, don’t tell me), but Archer needs to figure out what it is about imagining his mom’s death that gets his blood flowing.
Putting the low in Halloween

Malory wasn’t around for a lot of Archer’s childhood highlights. But when she was, she made sure they were unforgettable. Imagining he’s no older than ten years old here, Sterling learned valuable lessons about gambling and drinking all at once. #MomOfTheYear
Things you’ll never un-see

There’s so much wrong here. First, why does Malory have a vibrator in her office? Second, why are those things so damned easy to turn on?
Things you’ll never un-hear

If finding your mom’s “special little helper” wasn’t bad enough, imagine also hearing that she has a sex tape. That’s what happened to Sterling and he acted accordingly by barfing where he stood.
… It’s still voicemail

One of the strongest running gags between Sterling and Malory is that whenever she calls him she has to figure out if she’s talking to him or an extremely elaborate voicemail. You’d be surprised at just how elaborate they can get. Just when Malory showed some genuine concern, Sterling had to be him.
Sterling: … You know when I was little, I used to pretend you weren’t my mother.

Malory: Me too.

This, ladies and gentlemen, is what we call a second- degree burn. It’s pretty hurtful to tell your parent that you wished you were never theirs. But imagine how it feels when they reverse it and hit you with more truth than you can handle.
“I bet she’s freaking out right now.” – Sterling

Well… he was half right. Malory was freaking out, but it wasn’t because she thought her son was moments away from taking his last breath.
And what about my happiness, mother?

If you had to summarize what it means to be a good parent, you could say that it’s putting the happiness of your child before your own — a concept that is foreign to Malory Archer.
BONUS VIDEO

Sterling’s mother complex is one for the record books. He’s not as bad as Oedipus and he doesn’t have the stones to commit matricide. But this video puts in perspective just how much of an influence his mother has in his life.

This supercut is like the Pelé of supercuts.

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For the past six seasons on Archer, the titular secret agent, Sterling Archer (voiced by H. Jon Benjamin) has always made it clear just how much he thought of himself (the ‘Triple A Power Play,’ anyone?). While Archer definitely showed moments of real skill, there were other times when he simply lucked out, and then others where he out-and-out failed. Still, no matter what situation presented itself, you could count on the fact that Sterling’s ego would be there front and center, just knowing that he was awesome. With the seventh season set to premiere next week, featuring an opening sequence that replicates Magnum P.I. shot-for shot, here are some choice bits of Archer wisdom for all those moments when you think you’re being awesome.

“That is my foot in your face! Smell the embarrassment.”

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Let’s be honest, it’s hard not to gloat just a little bit when you do something awesome, but when Archer threatens to kick Kremski’s face off during his interrogation training and then fails, he still tries to save the moment with this little zinger. And, given that it’s interrogation training, he ends up getting electrocuted because of it. The lesson here: if you’re trying to save face in a situation where you’re at a disadvantage, don’t get arrogant — it probably won’t end well for you.

“That was totally ninja!”

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Archer may come off looking like a big hero who just saved a whole party full of important, well-dressed people from certain death, but if it weren’t for his massive drunkenness or the fact that the suicide bomber was dressed like a woman, things may have ended very differently. Of course, when you find yourself benefitting from circumstance, a line like this is perfect for when you need to pass something off as your own doing. Although, credit where credit’s due: using a drink tray as a lethal weapon is surprisingly effective.

“Wow, what a p*ssy! I could barely even keep up, he was spilling the beans so fast.”

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Again, this is a moment that’s specific to the situation. Sure, Archer has the upper hand in restraining a lowly pharmacist — one who does happen to be on the take — then gets the information he needs by way of a very painful-sounding threat. Really, you shouldn’t get bragging rights when the deck is clearly stacked in your favor. As far as the threat that Archer made, Lana spoke for all of us when she said “Ick.”

“See that? He was putting on his pants, and I stopped him.”

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After Malory gives a job to Special Agent Conway Stern as part of the ISIS diversity hiring program, Archer starts to feel more than a little bit threatened. When Stern mocks the the size of Archer’s gun (note: not a euphemism), Archer responds by shooting whatever guy happened to be in the locker room at that moment just to prove his point. If you’re making a move like this, it doesn’t quite warrant any declaration of awesomeness.

“Super glad I didn’t wet my pants.”

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Whatever the circumstances, no matter how close you came to avoiding certain death or how great the outcome appears to be afterward, it’s never going to be okay to brag about something like this. Besides, it’s always assumed that we’re all super glad to not piss our pants on the daily.

“We’re the outsiders, the scrappy underdogs! We’re Delta House, the Dirty Dozen, the Rebel Alliance, the Commitments! We’re the Bad News Freakin’ Bears, and our Lupus is an openly gay cyborg dying of sepsis in a wheelbarrow!”

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After their disastrous Fantastic Voyage-style mission into the body of Dr. Kovak, Archer tries to give a rallying cry to his teammates, who’ve since been left stranded on the side of the road in the middle of the New Mexico desert. As he rattles off some of the most inspiring, come-from-behind characters in pop culture history, it seems like he’s unable to convince anyone that things will be okay. Still, that doesn’t stop Archer from doing his best, even up until the episode’s cliffhanger ending. His determination should serve as an inspiration to everyone who, deep inside, knows that they’re awesome.

“You better call Kenny Loggins, because you’re in the Danger Zone! From Top Gun.”

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Aside from being one of the show’s all-time great running jokes, this really summarizes every self-aggrandizing thought Archer has about himself. If you’ve got to make only one declaration that states your awesomeness to everyone in the room, let them know that they’re headed straight to the danger zone.

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Well, it’s that time of year again. Another season of Archer is about to come to a close. It seems like only a few weeks ago when season seven opened with what appeared to be Sterling Archer (H. Jon Benjamin) floating face-down in a pool. While there’ve been a few developments over the season that could explain this (looking at you here, Krieger), we still giddily await the outcome of the how Archer does during his first year as a Private Investigator at the Figgis Detective Agency.

No matter what career Archer may have had, be it secret agent, coke dealer, rogue CIA operative, or now as a PI, Archer’s always tried to sweet-talk his way out of (or into) the best situation. So, the next time you’re looking to get the best deal, remember these finer points of negotiation.

“Let’s all share in the milk of human kindness.”

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This may be an abrupt start, but let’s face it: Things aren’t always going to go your way, and Archer being tied down to a table can be looked at as a metaphor for a lot of situations you could find yourself in. Namely, ones where you clearly don’t have the upper hand, and the first thing you’ll want to remember in a moment like this is not to panic. Instead, take a page from Archer’s book, where he calmly attempts to proposes an idea that helping him out as basic good-natured endeavor that he would benefit from. It doesn’t work here, but that might have less to do with his efforts and more to do with the fact that his proposition is a little too NSFW.

“Lying is like, 95 percent of what I do.”

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On the surface, this would seem like a terrible line to pull out when you’re negotiating with someone. By admitting to lying, you’re giving away all your tricks, pulling back the curtain, and showing all your cards! Or so you might think. Instead, it could just look like you’ve let down your guard a little, that you’re just trying to level with someone, and want to cut right to the chase before moving along. Of course, once you’ve earned that kind of trust, you’re free to take advantage of the situation and set up the best possible deal for yourself in the meantime. Like Archer says, all it takes to get good at it is a lot of practice.

“There’s enough room in the world for science and miracles.”

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When you’re making a deal, it’s inevitable that you’re going to have to make some compromises. It’s the same with Archer when he’s on a vessel that’s been shrunk down to the size of a bacterium (thanks, ‘Jill Nye’) and injected into the body of Dr. Kovacs to prevent his certain death. As they begin to plot their course through his veins, rather than take the time to understand the science behind what anything that’s being talked about actually means, Archer arbitrarily decides to talk about hyperspace, misunderstand the science, and arbitrarily declare a compromise. Which, for him, means he gets to live in a world where Star Wars jargon and actual science are interchangeable and useful in a dispute. It might sound silly, but honestly who wouldn’t want a deal like that?

“Can I offer you a drink? How about this expensive prostitute?”

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It’s one of those moments that’s happened to all of us (but it probably happens to Archer much, much more), you’re out, you’ve had a few drinks, and you’re trying to close a deal… and then you end up sticking your foot in your mouth. A situation like that could make things quite awkward for everyone involved. Unless, of course, you’re Sterling Archer, who tries to show his generous side as a way of getting out of such a situation and restoring goodwill. It might not work (it’s not 100 percent clear that it works here), but if something like this comes up, it could be your best bet to keep the deal alive and to keep everyone smiling.

“I’m getting my turtleneck. I’m not defusing a bomb in this!”

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A big part of deal-making, in general, is in how you present yourself. You’ve got to appear cool and collected at all times, be it for defusing a bomb or a casual meeting over lunch. Just remember: When you go to grab the turtleneck, make sure it’s the right shade of black.

“I happen to have perfect situational awareness, Lana. Which cannot be taught, by the way. Like a poet’s… mind for… to make the perfect words.”

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If you really want to try and get the best deal, you’re going to need quite the silver tongue to guide you through the negotiating process. And there’s some truth to what Archer says here, believe it or not, that it’s not always something you can learn to be good at. Although in Archer’s case, it’s not the gift of eloquent speech, but of situational awareness that is his grandest asset — although this scene proves he’s not always on top of that, either.

“You better call Kenny Loggins. ‘Cause you’re in the danger zone.”

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You knew it was leading up to this. Out of Archer’s many, many catchphrases and repeatable jokes, none are more ubiquitous than his impassioned declarations of when someone — usually Lana (Aisha Tyler) — is in the danger zone. It may not help with getting the best deal, but sometimes you’ve got to sweet-talk yourself a little now and then so that you can crush it in the boardroom.

Last week brought you the exclusive first look at Pam Poovey’s conflict resolution ISIS orientation video and the first ever glimpse at Lil’ Pam and all the puppet real talk one animated web clip can handle.

Today our friends at AV Club have treated us to the latest Gun Safety training installment where Sterling Archer answers the most commonly asked question of new ISIS recruits: “Do we get to use guns?” Hijinks, hilarity, and heavy drinking ensues. Re-mark your calendars: Archer, all new January 13th only on FX..

Via The AV Club

As we close in on the Archer Season 5 premiere (Monday at 10PM on FX) it only seems fitting to pivot our coverage from what will be happening this season to why we fell in love with the show to begin with. And nothing says that like a supercut of all the awesome things Sterling Archer has said through four seasons of being the world’s premiere womanizing alcoholic super spy.

UPROXX Video has done the internet a favor and edited together Sterling’s best one-liners in the above supercut to serve as your new video spirit guide. And because it was virtually impossible to cut it down to under three minutes check out the full uncut version here. This one knows what I’m talking about.

UPROXX Video

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It’s not only True Romance celebrating a 20th anniversary this year — so is FX. The Hollywood Reporter spoke to many of our favorite people on our favorites shows (and Kurt Sutter!) about what it’s like to work for the two-decade-old network “that encourages smart TV (almost) without rules.”

The entire series is worth a read, but I especially like Archer creator Adam Reed’s write-up.

In 2008, after having yet another show canceled, I walked the 1,000-kilometer Via de la Plata, which runs from Seville in the south of Spain to Santiago de Compostela in the northwest. On the walk, I was to come up with a new show idea (to satisfy my slavering agents, Matt and Joel). But after 500 kilometers of rain, mud, broiling sun and barking dogs — alternating daily between two sets of clothes and four socks — I was an exhausted, bearded mess.

So I took a much needed laundry/ blister/sanity break in Salamanca, where the main industry, turns out, is breathtakingly, heartbreakingly beautiful women. They are everywhere. So I sat on the Plaza Mayor for three days — drinking either coffee or beer or gin, depending on the time of day — surrounded by these Spanish women who seemed both unaware and completely aware of their beauty. Occasionally they would glance over — and catch me gaping at them — and just smile at me like, “I know, right?” And for three days, I couldn’t even splutter “Buenos dias” to any of them.

And thus was Sterling Archer born — he would’ve absolutely sauntered over to a table full of those women and sat down and ordered an entire case of cava or whatever. (Via)

Weird. And here I was thinking all TV showrunners are astronaut hunks who only write when they’re bored with threesomes. Kind of like bloggers.

Via the Hollywood Reporter

YOUTUBE

For awhile last spring, H. Jon Benjamin was the voice of Diet Coke. I laughed every time I heard the commercial, not because it was particularly funny, but because it felt like Benjamin was playing a joke on BIG SODA. They could have hired anyone for the gig, but they went with this weirdo who speaks for soccer coaches, burger chefs, sexual deviant spies, and cans of vegetables everywhere, because?

The point I’m trying to make is, H. Jon Benjamin should voice everything. Dogs, the Bop-It guy, the New York City subway “be aware of the closing doors” jerk, etc. So the folks at Late Night Basement had the right idea when they asked Benjamin to overdub one of HAL’s scenes in 2001: A Space Odyssey. “Just what do you think you’re doing, Lana? Lana…? Lana…? LAAANNNNNAAAAAA.”

Vunify

New streaming video aggregation service Vunify knows how to get our attention. Based on years of Sterling Archer pop culture references, they’ve compiled a collection of Codename Duchess’ favorite movies and where they’re currently available for streaming. I would never go so far as to suggest that it’s fully comprehensive, but it is your source to find where Spirit Guide Burt Reynolds’ entire film catalog is available online so you can mold your lifestyle properly.

Along with plenty of James Bond (who Archer can out-drink and out-womanize btw) there’s of course some Top Gun action, but I’m not sure the original can even hold up to the Archer-ized version any longer. Because, you know…

FX

If you need me I’ll be petitioning all major services to make Gator available.

Vunify via The AV Club